Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Hear Me Raw

My life is proverbially knocking the wind out of me.  I suppose it’s been building up for a while. It usually takes me time to secure decisions and stick with them, but I am finding that the elements of the earth – wind, fire, rain, an invitation to yet another singles’ event, the ridiculously slow cashier at the express counter, and the anti-social roommate locked inside her catacomb-known-as-her-room – are exhausting me. I am going D-O-W-N, D-O-W-N, DOWWWNNN. 

In the past, some people have said that I’m sensitive, some have told me that I’m more sensitive than the average person to certain things. My brother would probably call me a Drama Queen. I say that I’m raw.  

That about sums me up at the moment: painfully exposed.
My general countenance probably has a lot to do with the occurrences described in my previous two posts. I find myself second-guessing my every move and word. Moreover, I feel as if everyone can see what I’m thinking in my head, as if the look in my eyes publicly reveals a story of sad thoughts and loneliness when really, I just want to crawl under a rock, hide from the world for a while, and emerge at the age of 70.

But wait. I promised myself I wouldn’t go on another rant. I’m committed to being positive this time. Really. Instead, I am openly recognizing that I do not and cannot control the world. There is a God above who wants the best for me. And He’s there waiting for me to consciously bring Him into my life. Seriously. He knows my abilities and has a plan… I think I need to reach out more often and bring Him into the conversation in my head. Perhaps that can help.

I do believe that ups and downs are natural and are signs of a dynamic life.  And I am fully aware and accepting of the fact that if my life was all routine, all the time, I’d die of boredom. Or I'd polish my nails bright colors just to shake things up.

I am recognizing that there are wonderful things that I should be grateful for today. Here is a partial list so I can start working on channeling those positive energies to me:
  • I am grateful to have a beautiful apartment in an awesome location in a vibrant city I love (that’s about 3 things in one).
  • My friends are intelligent, intuitive, supportive and make me laugh.
  • Let’s back up: I have friends! And I like them!
  • I have a job. 2 actually. Both are part-time, but they allow me to pay my bills and pay off debts which is so not a given these days. One day I’ll be debt-free and will start saving up for my future wedding (or a car, whichever arrives first).
  • The other day, at one of my p/t jobs, one of my supervisors wrote me a note thanking me for being such a great fit for the organization. That really made me smile.
  • I’m actually grateful that I do not have kids at the moment. I do not feel that I handle stress well; and I think that the lack of time for myself would stress me out incredibly. I just don’t think I’d be able to handle the responsibilities of raising children, and balance work and a healthy relationship all together. I should probably put that on the list of things to discuss in a therapy session.
  • I am independent and mobile. Meaning, I could, practically, pick up and move cities or countries if I really wanted to. That is so liberating and inspiring and scary all at the same time!
My life at this point is about exploring possibilities. There are external possibilities – job, location, activities, etc that are open to me, and there are internal possibilities – thinking about who I am, who I want to be, how I want to dedicate my time and thoughts.... There are so many options.

Sometimes I wish I could just adopt someone else’s life. Actually, sometimes I do adopt the persona of others (for example, I’ll adopt a certain style of dress; handwriting; exercise routine; use a certain intonation when speaking) which makes me feel both empowered and free at times.It also confuses me abundantly, making me wonder who the hell I am anyway.

But the concept of choice – that anything and anyone in the world could be a possibility to incorporate into my life if I do so choose – well, that’s both empowering and daunting at the same time.

So those are my random ramblings for tonight.

Suddenly I’m not so exhausted anymore. Actually, I feel refreshed!

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